I N S I G H T S

Have you ever felt things would be better if only the other person changed, but no matter how many times you try to get them to change, nothing changes?

Well, things can change and they will change – but only if you change first.  We only have control over the way we feel and behave.  We have no control over how another person feels and acts.  That’s their job.  So, the changes you have to make are with yourself.

Let’s look at a simple example.  Say you are a mother with a young teenage son who, no matter how many times you ask, doesn’t do the most basic chores he is expected to.  He doesn’t talk to you or share what’s going on.   You feel worried, tired and frustrated with him and it’s getting worse.   You regularly try and talk to him but you can see that closed look on his face when you start “the conversation”.  He’s heard it all before so when he sees you coming with that look on your face he immediately zones out so he doesn’t have to really process it all.  Maybe he says the words you want to hear, but you can feel they are just words.  It just makes you feel worse and your relationship is starting to seriously deteriorate.  If only he would change things would be better.  So you try again. And again.

So let’s look at this scenario from another viewpoint.  Use your imagination to step out of the picture for a moment and see what it looks like from the side-lines.

See yourself approach him, ready for “that talk”. What do you look like?  What’s your facial expression like?  What does your body language say?  Can you hear your tone of voice?  How do your words sound?  What do they convey? What is the vibe you bring to this conversation? What is your intention and expectation?

Notice your son watching you approach.  How has his demeanour changed?  What do his eyes say, his body language.  What is he expecting?  Perhaps you can already understand his response. Now notice your response as you receive his.  Is it just like a set of buttons being pushed time after time, with the same responses time after time?  Is it working for you?  For either of you?

As we know, we can only change ourselves so re-run that picture once more and change those aspects of yourself that maybe surprised you.  Do you need to change the tone of your voice, or the flash of your eyes?   Does your body language need to change?  Is the timing right to have this conversation?  Does he actually hear and understand your message or do you need to change your words?  Do you hear and understand the message he is giving you? Are you on automatic response mode when your “buttons” are pushed or do you need to consider your responses before relaying them?

So think about what you are trying to achieve and re-run that picture again, this time with all the modifications you have made.  Has your intention changed?  Your expectation?  Do you think your son will receive a different message from you?  If so, his response ­will be different and even a small crack in the cycle of miscommunication can lead to change.  You first.